


Saints Row's Baby

by BloodandGlitter



Category: Saints Row
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Multi, Multiple Pairings, One Night Stands, Pregnancy, Surprises
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2016-11-11
Packaged: 2018-08-30 10:12:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8529088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodandGlitter/pseuds/BloodandGlitter
Summary: Whilst on the ship, Pierce finds a positive pregnancy test in the trash. Chaos follows. A stand-alone short(ish) story with an attempt at humour.





	

* * *

“How many times have I told y’all; I ain’t cleaning up yo’ shit!” Pierce bellowed from across the ship.

“Y’know, for a member of a bloodthirsty, murderous gang, he is picky about cleanliness,” Kinzie said. “Some of us have more pressing matters to attend to.” The Boss nodded in agreement and the women continued to pour over another plan of attack, this one appearing marginally less far-fetched than the previous.

Pierce’s voice had echoed through the unusually quiet spacecraft. The minimal background noise consisted of whirring computer fans and a repetitive 20 song playlist, which drove the Boss crazy. No Earth meant no radio stations, and the crew were stuck in a perpetual cycle of tracks ripped from GenX and K12.

“What’s he complaining about now?” Johnny moaned from the couch.

“What am I complaining about?! Look at this junk! Do you guys think the ship is gonna clean itself?” Pierce overheard and stormed into the room with a large trash bag containing the gang’s rubbish. “ _But hey everyone don’t worry, Pierce will sort it out_.”

“Stop it! Look, I’m sorry. Just please go and get rid of that bag and we’ll be more careful next time.” Kinzie ordered, refusing to look up over her computer screen.

The ship had only the most basic facilities; beds, bathrooms, a standard kitchen. Even Gat had commented on the lack of weaponry on board. Towards the end of one of the walkways was a temperamental trash-chute. Kinzie and Matt had a permanent mental-note to take a look at the problem, but were being forever way-laid by more urgent Zin-related crises.

A sulking Pierce flounced out of the control room, muttering about being taken for granted. The Boss rolled her eyes before there was a brief moment of quiet. Suddenly there was a loud bang, then a crash.

“What the fuck has he done now?” Gat shouted.

The remaining crew members rushed into the room after hearing the commotion. Shaundi attempted to follow Pierce but the Boss shook her head.

“Don’t go after him. He’s overfilled the fucking trash-chute again. Let him come back with his tail between his legs,” she explained.

The gang listened as his footsteps loudened, and watched as the shutters opened. In came a now bedraggled and embarrassed Pierce holding a small white stick.

“Er yeah, ma bad,” he chuckled at the crowd of glares. “I _may_ have had difficulty shutting the door, I _may_ have pushed it a bit too hard, and there _may_ now be trash all over the floor below.”

Gat threw his arms into the air and turned his attention to one of the computers - an attempt to distract himself from Pierce’s idiotic behaviour before he punched him. Considering they were all at risk of getting annihilated by Zinyak at any moment, a dirty spaceship that smelt of garbage was the last thing they needed.

  
“Well, looks like you’ll be doing more cleaning tonight,” Kinzie threatened. “God knows how long it’ll take Miller and me to fix it.”

“This isn’t good for my health,” Keith David sighed as he noticed the object in Pierce’s hand. “Hey, what have you got there?”

Pierce’s eyes widened. “The trash went all over me. I was tryna step through all sorts of shit and I saw this. It’s a motherfuckin’ pregnancy test that’s been used and it’s positive.”

The crew gasped before glancing at each other accusingly.

“I saw that in the first aid box a couple weeks ago! Like one of you bastards don’t trust us to not knock each other up!” Ben exclaimed. “Although you were right...”

“Guys, this isn’t good,” the Boss explained. “We need every Saint to be on their best game. I know this is a far from ideal way of breaking the news, but I need to know whose test it is. We need to sort this out.”

A thick, awkward silence filled the room. Feet were shuffled, throats were cleared, nails were bitten. Nobody was going to own up to it, or at least, not easily. No one spoke for what seemed like an eternity, tension quickly mounting before they’d start blaming each other. In the end it was Matt who broke first.

“Oh my God, I’m too young to be a dad!” He squealed.

“MATT!” Asha snapped at him. She quickly realised that, in doing so, she’d incriminated herself. She cursed and held her head in her hands.

“What?!” The gang exclaimed in chorus.

“Wait, Miller ain’t a virgin no more?” Johnny asked.

Asha glared at Matt. “Before I begin, I want to categorically say that I did NOT take that test. Matt and I, it was a one-time thing. It was a few weeks after the Boss rescued me from my nightmare of a simulation.” She sighed, reluctantly talking the crew through their tryst. “I watched her evil twin kill him in cold blood. Once I escaped I realised how much he meant to me. One evening we were chatting, we’d had some wine, and I told him how I really felt. We agreed that a relationship would be too stressful right now, but...” She trailed off.

“You let him fuck you up against that wall,” Shaundi gestured and cackled. Matt, looking hurt, decided to bite back.

“Yes Shaundi, we did. I told you that in confidence,” he sneered. “Asha said that’s not her pregnancy test, and I believe her. But we all know who the resident slut is!”

Before she could defend herself, Keith’s eyes lit up. He turned to her and held her hands in his.

“I can’t believe this... After playing numerous roles during my life - award-winning actor, the Vice President of the United States - there was one I had yet to fill. And now thanks to you, I am so honored to say that I’m going to be a father,” he cooed like an acceptance speech as he leaned in to hug her. Shaundi pulled away and saw the expectant, yet shocked, faces of her peers who were awaiting her announcement.

“Look, Keith, I’m sorry but I’m _not_ pregnant. It’s not me,” she replied firmly, watching the disappointment in his eyes.

“But you two have, you know..?” Pierce asked as he continued to pick dental floss out his hair.

“Yes. We were talking about the future, what’s next for us and humanity in general. That started to get a bit depressing so he started telling me about his life. He’s got so many great stories to tell. I mean, he _is_ Keith David,” Shaundi turned to him as a wry smile crept onto his face. “When I was younger I only dated losers like DJ Veteran Child. Yes we had been drinking, but I told him how much I admired him, and one thing led to another...”

There was a pause, and the ship became quiet once more. Shaundi could feel the pressure to indulge them with the gory details.

“...We may have had sex in that chair.” She finished.

“Seriously guys, is there anywhere left I can fucking sit?” Johnny complained.

“So wait... It’s not Asha’s, or Shaundi’s. Has anyone else bumped uglies?” The Boss asked.

“One would hope that you would tell me if you went through with it.” A monotonous, robotic voice said. They turned around to see CID floating behind them, and had appeared to be listening in on their conversation.

“Shit CID, how long have you been there for?” Ben said.

“Long enough to understand the question you are trying to answer. And Kinzie, you have some explaining to do.”

The gang’s heads snapped back round to focus on Kensington, who was awkwardly trying to fiddle with the control panel. She grimaced and looked up at them.

“No, CID, I did not.” She uttered through gritted teeth.

“Didn’t do what? Shit’s starting to get weird now,” Pierce remarked.

“We... Okay, fine.” Kinzie sighed. “CID is still pissed off he’s not in a human body and can’t do all the stuff we do, like get married and have children. I hypothetically mentioned that, maybe, if I could extract some of his nuclear DNA, we could plant it into a male gamete and use it to fertilize an ovum, just like in vitro fertilization.”

“Now you’ve lost me,” Shaundi said.

“Don’t worry about the details,” Kinzie continued. “I told him that relationships aren’t worth the hassle but I too would like a family one day. We made an agreement that in 10 years, if I’m still on my own and he’s still trapped in the metal casing... We’d think about it, but not right now! So no, I’m not pregnant.”

The group collectively cringed.

“That’s quite clever,” Matt commended. “Sorry we accused you. It wasn’t fair to assume you’ve had sex, like me,” he smirked as Asha slapped him on the arm.

“Shut it, Miller! It doesn’t count if someone took pity on you! Pierce, why did you have to go searching through the trash like a hobo?!”

“Don’t blame me ‘cause someone didn’t put a rubber on!” He replied.

“Keith, I’m so sorry if I got your hopes up,” Shaundi said. 

“I still think it’s yours,” Ben unhelpfully interjected.

“You know what King, I’ve had it up to _here_ with you...”

Arguments erupted among the crew-mates. Insults and curse words were thrown back and forth as they fought between themselves, accusing each other of things that weren’t even related to the initial mystery.

The Boss gave up trying to restore peace and folded her arms, watching as a gleeful Johnny would interrupt the sparring Saints to throw fuel on the fire, then laugh as the shouting worsened. Trouble was Gat's middle name, something she adored. Maybe now was the time to tell him that they, the two most dangerous gang members in the universe, were going to have a baby together.

**Author's Note:**

> I tried...


End file.
